The Semi-Colon
In the movie "We Bought a Zoo", Benjamin Mee says, "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery and I promise you something great will come of it."
I have found that sometimes one single moment, one single choice, really can change everything.
In 2008, after fifteen years of managing my undiagnosed Crohn's Disease on my own, my body finally decided it had had enough. I stupidly waited until I could no longer function before telling everyone in my life (even my family did not know) and checking myself into the hospital. A month-long stay including major life-saving emergency surgery, many tests lots of tubes, and so much more, then ensued.
We did everything we could to avoid surgery but the damage and inflammation was bad enough that eventually my intestine burst inside me and surgery was necessary as the sepsis leaked out of my busted guts. It was a rather traumatic time for me physically and for my friends and family. Emotionally and spiritually though, for me, there was a supernatural peace that I can attribute to a few specific things.
First, I had held the secret of my sickness inside me, all to myself, for about fifteen years. To finally have it shared was a tremendous weight lifted off that I had not anticipated. Second, the day I checked into the hospital I had been scheduled to preach and fill in for pastoral duties. Instead I was totally unprepared, sleepless and in a lot of pain; there was nothing prepared for Powerpoint, worship bulletins, Sunday School, or a sermon that day. Before heading to the hospital I stopped at the church to tell them what was up. I talked to my pastor's wife, Mercy, in private in the office and she immediately knew how unlike me this all was and recognized the seriousness of it all. Mercy prayed for me and I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit; I knew that after fifteen years God was more in control than ever before and a calm peace filled me.
The picture on the left is in the hospital before the intestine burst and before surgery. The picture on the right is at home, after the month long hospital stay, and after the staples were removed from the surgery site. So, they do not reflect things at their worst.
Third, less than a day after having several feet of small intestine and one-third of my colon removed in emergency surgery, while I was still in ICU with a tube up my nose, IVs out my arms, and unable to lift myself up into a sitting position, my friend Deanna came to see me. Her husband and daughter stayed in the waiting room. Deanna and I worked together on a lot of things in the church; she mentored me in my first Sunday School teaching position, we served on the board together for many years, she was one of my right-hands in children and youth ministry; we shared many fundraising, events, retreats, road trips, and other adventures together.
I don't remember much of the conversation that was had. It was probably mostly her checking up on me and listening to what all had transpired in the chaotic days leading up to me laying there in ICU with a giant gash down my tummy. I think Dee was more emotional than I at the time, too, as I was quite the sight to behold, and as I said before I was still feeling the peace of God enveloping me. But I do remember one thing that Deanna said to me that day that has stuck with me even now, ten years later:
"Well you've gone thru a lot. It's obvious God is not done with you yet, He has more for you here."
To Deanna at the moment it may have just been something to say, a somewhat cliche platitude, but in hindsight I do believe God was using her to plant in me the ongoing reminder of His purpose for my life. I have looked back on that conversation and those words coming from my friend many times in the years since then and they have seen me thru times of struggle and doubt.
I have recently gone thru a time where my identity and my calling was attacked and I allowed myself to believe some lies about myself. In the midst of yet another health crisis I found myself experiencing the opposite of the support I received the first time around. At such a time as this Deanna's reminder, coming from the love of a trusted and proven friend, is more pungent than ever.
As a Crohn's patient the image of the semi-colon is one that crosses my path from time to time. I often find it a humorous image as I myself am missing much of my colon, so I am literally "semi-colon". I recently did some thinking on the actual meaning of the semi-colon and as I looked some stuff up on the internet I discovered that it is used as a symbol for those who struggle with self-harming, anxiety, depression and suicide awareness.
After much pondering over the course of a couple of years, I decided I wanted to take these thoughts and somehow represent them on my body. A few years ago I got my first tattoo, a short phrase in Hebrew from the book of Isaiah, saying (in Hebrew) BELONGING TO THE LORD; that tattoo is on my upper right arm, mostly hidden from common viewing. I told myself six years ago that that would be my only tattoo. But the image of the semi-colon and the various meanings of it called to me.
Today, June 8, marks the ten-year anniversary of that fateful day that I finally took the plunge and came public with my disease. Ten years ago today I began that month-long episode that represented a changing of direction for the rest of my life. The pain and illness that I had kept to myself for so many formative years was now known to all which dramatically changed how I myself lived with the disease.
Recognizing the past ten years of this journey, this year I have participated in my second Take Steps fundraiser walk for the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America. I organized a funtastically successful bingo fundraiser for the event. I have also begun the first steps of setting up a support group in Cottage Grove for people with Crohn's & Colitis, and I am taking time off from my work at Camp Arrah Wanna this summer in order to volunteer at Camp Oasis in Washington, a camp for kids with Crohn's disease or Ulcerative Colitis.
I have consciously done these things in honor of, and celebrating, my ten year anniversary. By all rights I should have died in June of 2008, multiple medical professionals have expressed their amazement at the miracle of my survival.
Many people would not agree with me theologically, but since I was a teenager I have believed that were it not for my Crohn's disease I would not be the person that I am. This disease has shaped pretty much every decision of my life, it has made me the CoreyD that you know, all the good, the bad, and the ugly. My life would be dramatically different were it not for this disease. Because of this, I do believe that God not only allowed but gave me the Crohn's disease. It took this disease for me to know that I needed God on my side, that I needed my Jesus in order to have the strength to live with this. I have known since I was a teenager that this disease was my own "thorn in the flesh".
The apostle Paul in Scripture refers to his own "thorn in the flesh" in 2 Corinthians 12:
6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I would not be alive today were it not for the strength that comes from God. I would not be able to maintain the strength to WANT to go on were it not for my faith in Jesus. I would have given up on this quality of life a long, long time ago. I can remember the day my intestine burst inside me, hours after being sent home from the hospital, and I can remember thinking, "This misery is not worth it... I can not live like this."
I am so very fortunate that I had my Jesus to cling to at that dark hour, and so many other times that were not quite that dark but were still difficult. Just today one of my favorite celebrity chefs, authors, news personalities, Anthony Bourdain, took his own life. So many are questioning, "How could he have gotten to that sad place?!"
To those questions, I can only say this: Do not judge someone else for their choices or the way in which they travel this journey called life. It is not for us to decide what is too much for someone else. Instead, celebrate who they are, remember their joys, and learn from their journey.
For me, I thank God that He did what needed to be done to bring me into relationship with Him. He used Crohn's disease--my thorn--to shape me into who I am, and He kept me alive thru it all. He decided my Story was not over yet. And so, today--June 8, 2018--I got my second tattoo, recognizing all that this journey has been, and celebrating the gift of ten more years of life.
Today, June 8, marks the ten-year anniversary of that fateful day that I finally took the plunge and came public with my disease. Ten years ago today I began that month-long episode that represented a changing of direction for the rest of my life. The pain and illness that I had kept to myself for so many formative years was now known to all which dramatically changed how I myself lived with the disease.
Recognizing the past ten years of this journey, this year I have participated in my second Take Steps fundraiser walk for the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America. I organized a funtastically successful bingo fundraiser for the event. I have also begun the first steps of setting up a support group in Cottage Grove for people with Crohn's & Colitis, and I am taking time off from my work at Camp Arrah Wanna this summer in order to volunteer at Camp Oasis in Washington, a camp for kids with Crohn's disease or Ulcerative Colitis.
I have consciously done these things in honor of, and celebrating, my ten year anniversary. By all rights I should have died in June of 2008, multiple medical professionals have expressed their amazement at the miracle of my survival.
Many people would not agree with me theologically, but since I was a teenager I have believed that were it not for my Crohn's disease I would not be the person that I am. This disease has shaped pretty much every decision of my life, it has made me the CoreyD that you know, all the good, the bad, and the ugly. My life would be dramatically different were it not for this disease. Because of this, I do believe that God not only allowed but gave me the Crohn's disease. It took this disease for me to know that I needed God on my side, that I needed my Jesus in order to have the strength to live with this. I have known since I was a teenager that this disease was my own "thorn in the flesh".
The apostle Paul in Scripture refers to his own "thorn in the flesh" in 2 Corinthians 12:
6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I would not be alive today were it not for the strength that comes from God. I would not be able to maintain the strength to WANT to go on were it not for my faith in Jesus. I would have given up on this quality of life a long, long time ago. I can remember the day my intestine burst inside me, hours after being sent home from the hospital, and I can remember thinking, "This misery is not worth it... I can not live like this."
I am so very fortunate that I had my Jesus to cling to at that dark hour, and so many other times that were not quite that dark but were still difficult. Just today one of my favorite celebrity chefs, authors, news personalities, Anthony Bourdain, took his own life. So many are questioning, "How could he have gotten to that sad place?!"
To those questions, I can only say this: Do not judge someone else for their choices or the way in which they travel this journey called life. It is not for us to decide what is too much for someone else. Instead, celebrate who they are, remember their joys, and learn from their journey.
For me, I thank God that He did what needed to be done to bring me into relationship with Him. He used Crohn's disease--my thorn--to shape me into who I am, and He kept me alive thru it all. He decided my Story was not over yet. And so, today--June 8, 2018--I got my second tattoo, recognizing all that this journey has been, and celebrating the gift of ten more years of life.
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